Let's Make a Deal!
by Ellcrys
Summary: After the Earl and the Major become romantically involved, James comes up with a plot to capitalize on this, with a little help from G...


**Let's Make a Deal!**

* * *

_Disclaimer: Characters are not mine. Unlike James, I am not taking advantage of them for financial profit. ;) _

_Notes: I had the thought one night that G/James would be both hilarious and terrifying. Naturally, that meant I had to find a way to make it happen, and this is the result.  
Don't ask me who tops. I don't want to think about it in that much detail. ;)_

* * *

The Major was glaring at the Earl with a dangerous heat in his eyes. This was typical, particularly after the Earl had made one of his especially perverse suggestions in the middle of a serious discussion, as was the case at the moment. The situation was precarious, their security may have been compromised, the Major was furious - and here was the Earl making comments about... penetration in the ranks. And looking back at the Major with just as much heat in his eyes, albeit accompanied with a smile. 

Finally the Major grabbed the Earl roughly by the shirt and dragged him out of the hotel hallway where they'd all congregated and into his room, growling something about having to teach him about butting into NATO business and being disgusting instead of taking it seriously. He slammed the door behind them.

It fooled no one, of course. Rather than being frightened or sympathetic towards the Earl, A and B shifted, G and Z blushed, Bonham hid a chuckle behind his hand, and James glared daggers that rivalled even the Major's at the closed door. "Well..." Z began, reasonably, as the small crowd began to disperse to their own rooms, "at least he'll be calmer when he calls us back."

G lingered behind, casting a longing glance at the closed door. This had been a recurring theme every time they'd run into the Earl's gang for the last year. The first time the Major had shown up late for work - still damp from the shower, stern as ever but with a more relaxed posture - G had spent an early lunch hour drowning his sorrows.

The Major... had always been excessively appealing to him. G had always liked the idea of a big man with strong arms to hold him, a firm voice and confident attitude that commanded respect. The Major fit all those criteria - and yet he had such beautiful eyes, with long gorgeous lashes, that it was easy to forget his utter lack of romanticism. G had been quite enamored, and utterly shocked that he hadn't been sent to Alaska when he'd let it slip. For a time, he'd thought it meant he had a chance. But then...

The Earl. It had been infatuation at first sight - Lord Gloria was somehow prettier as a man than G could ever hope to be as a woman, and yet still dignified and commanding when he chose. Just in a more optimistic, romantic way than the Major, and perfectly comfortable with the concept of fun. G had never realized before that he could have it both ways...

Of course, on the subject of having it both ways, he knew that he couldn't have the Major _and_ the Earl, and if asked to choose, he would have had a hard time deciding. As polite and friendly as the Earl was, the Major was kind in his own way (G wasn't in Alaska yet, after all, was he?) and G respected him more than anyone else he'd ever met.

However, now that the Earl had snared the Major - or perhaps vice versa - there was no choice to be had at all. G would have neither. Although he was glad for the two of them deep down, that they had both found happiness, or at least some twisted sort of companionship, enough that the Major wasn't quite as inclined to exile people or point his guns as he used to be... the thought that G had no chance with either of the men he so loved left him very depressed.

Strangely enough, G was not alone in his lingering by the door. That stingy bug they called James was still hanging around too. No longer was he glaring at the door, but leaning against the wall, eyeing G with a smug look. "What is it?" G hissed, scowling at the annoying man.

"Heh heh..." James' expression grew even more smug, shrewd, and calculating. It gave G the creeps. "It must be _awful_ for you, knowing the two men you love more than any other are in there. Doing _that_. With each other, and not with you. Simply _awful_."

G's lip trembled, in spite of himself. "Well, what about _you?_" he exclaimed angrily, pointing a finger at James. "Aren't you supposed to love the Earl? Don't you care that he's so in love with the Major? You don't have a chance either!"

"Hmph!" James raised his chin haughtily. "Since he doesn't love me in the same way, it simply gives me the freedom to do as I wish. No more going out of my way to please him, no more of his buying me off with little favors. Now even he cannot stand in the way of my true, passionate love, who has waited for her fickle, unfaithful James all along."

"...Money."

"Of course." James smiled, rubbing his hands together greedily.

"You're pathetic," G told him bluntly, and turned on his high heels to leave.

"Oh no, don't leave just yet," James called after him, a strange, vindictively playful note in his voice. It made G turn back warily. "I have something to show you - something that I think you'll find very interesting..."

"What would someone like _you_ have that someone like _me_ would find interesting?"

"Remember the last time we encountered your lot? In Berlin?"

The shrewd smile was unnerving. G mentally thought back to the Berlin encounter; he was sure that nothing had gone missing from his purse.

"There was that night that Lord Gloria and your Major disappeared after dinner. It just so happened that they wound up in our suite."

"What?" G was aghast. "If you stole something precious of the Major's, he'll _kill_ you, regardless of what the Earl says!"

"That's not it at all," James said dismissively. But then, he looked a little cowed. "...Besides, the Major scares me."

"Hmph. Idiot."

"However, I anticipated that it would happen sooner or later," James continued, growing more and more smug as he spoke. "And Lord Gloria had demanded that we upgrade our equipment only a month before, for bugs that were harder to detect. But the old ones still worked perfectly well, so I took them for myself, seeing as he didn't want them. And knowing that his lordship would have the Major over at some point, I decided to make use of a few of the cameras..."

He was cackling gleefully now, and G gasped. "You didn't!"

"Of course I did." James held open one side of his jacket, revealing a shabby secret pocket sewn in among the patches, containing a bulge the size of a videotape.

"You... you..." The Major might have been proud of G's indignant sputtering. "You... absolute _pervert!_ How could you invade their privacy like that? It's disgusting!"

"You don't understand," James explained with a little smirk. "I didn't record them so that I could watch them - aside from the time I spent on the editing, I haven't watched it at all."

G thought about this, and was even more disturbed. "Are you saying that you recorded the Major and the Earl in a moment of passion... so that you could sell the video?"

"Not at all," James said quickly, closing his jacket as if he thought G was going to snatch the tape. "I intend to _rent_ it. And just so you'll know, it was far more than a _moment_ - they carried on for nearly two hours."

G's eyes widened. "...Two hours?" he repeated. "And it's all on that videotape?"

"From multiple angles." James nodded emphatically, and waited.

He and G just stared at each other for what seemed like a long time. It was G who finally broke the silence. "...Five marks."

"Are you daft!" James exclaimed. "It's worth twenty times that much! You won't get this video anywhere else, after all," he reminded G, pulling it out and waving it in the air for emphasis.

"Twenty times? Not hardly - maybe twice as much, at most, if it's only a rental!" G had intentionally started low, knowing that James would do his best to drive up the price no matter what his initial offer was.

* * *

With the Earl occupied elsewhere (perhaps for two hours or more? G was amazed), that left the room that he was sharing with James and Bonham empty. Until, at least, James strode in with satisfaction, having reached what he felt to be a reasonable deal for a special screening (G felt otherwise, but it couldn't be helped - his own room had other agents in it), and ordered Bonham out. He protested at first, but then stopped short as he realized G was right behind James. His eyes practically fell out of their sockets.

G looked at him, then looked at James. "It's not like that!" he exclaimed, horrified.

James looked every bit as horrified. "Of course not! This is a matter of business that must be conducted," he said haughtily, folding his arms over his chest. "In private."

"Private, eh...? Eh heh heh..." Bonham did move towards the door, though rather warily.

When the door closed quickly behind Bonham, G turned to James curiously. "He doesn't know about the tape?"

"Bonham always sides with Lord Gloria," James sniffed, putting the tape into the VCR. "He even sometimes shows signs of having _morals_, ridiculous as it is. Morals only get in the way of making money."

"What a completely despicable thing to say," G said indignantly, seating himself primly on the sofa regardless as James pulled the drapes closed. "And a lie at that."

"Oh? And how much do you make?"

G thought about this, and sulkily crossed his legs, smoothing his skirt across his lap and settling down to watch. How annoying that the bug had to be present while he was watching something so phenomenal. But he _had_ to see this video.

James had gone all out for his amateur film-making debut, G quickly discovered as the tape began to play. A sweeping instrumental piece served as the soundtrack as the picture faded in to show a dark hotel room, and the credits began to roll. ("James" was credited for everything, naturally.) Finally the music began to fade into the background, and voices were audible. The title appeared on the screen in a flowery font:

UP AGAINST  
THE WALL IN BERLIN

G made a faint squawking sound in protest, and glared at James, who was perched on the end of the bed with a grin. James simply pointed back at the television.

The action was indeed beginning. Predictably, when the Earl and the Major burst in, the Major was shouting. It didn't last long, however; the Earl was courageous enough not to back down, and in fact even inched closer and closer - until the Major was forced to take a step backwards! G was amazed as a closeup showed the Major's expression turn from fury to a sort of dazed longing, and then the Earl reached up to take his head between his hands and kiss him.

The amazement was stunted, just a bit, by the longing G felt to be in that position. Either the Major's _or_ the Earl's, though he'd never have had the nerve to touch the Major's face. Not that the Major objected - on the contrary, his arms rose to encircle the Earl, even beginning to clutch at the Earl's shirt as he moved closer. Oooh, G couldn't help but imagine having those large, strong, capable hands clutching at his own shoulders, and he shivered in delight.

Soon enough, it was obvious that the video's title had been perfectly literal, as the two men backed up against the wall of the hotel room, their hands all over each other and their breathing heavy. G had almost forgotten his jealousy in the excitement of watching the two most attractive men in the world making out, though he was snapped out of it as the Major turned to face the wall, his back to the Earl. "...The Major... _bottoms_ for him!" he gasped, turning back to James for a moment.

James still looked smug, but perhaps not so much as he had before. "Yes, well... his lordship prefers to take charge whenever he has the opportunity."

"And the Major doesn't?" G murmured, turning his attention back to the video. Just in time, for the Earl was groping the Major from behind. The belt came off, and then it looked as though the Earl had paused to run his hands up inside the Major's shirt; a different camera's angle, showing the two of them almost in profile, confirmed it. The resulting moans were definitely the same voice that the Major used to shout at them, but G had never heard anything like that before.

The bugs apparently weren't quite so sensitive as to pick up the quieter sounds, so G couldn't be sure what it was that the Earl was murmuring in the Major's ear, but it didn't matter. Certainly it was something wonderfully romantic, the kind of thing that would have made G melt.

He was melting regardless - or at the very least, it seemed to be getting hotter and hotter in the hotel room. He was getting a little uncomfortable watching this in the same room as James, and he glanced over, hoping the stingy bug wasn't staring at him. He wasn't. The single eye that was visible under that mop of hair was fixed on the television screen. He didn't really look smug at all anymore.

G's attention was drawn back to the television as well at the sound of a much louder groan. The Major's fly was quite obviously open, his trousers had slid downward, and the Earl was smiling in delight as his hands took full advantage of it.

G really, truly wished he'd been able to watch the video alone. The quality might not have been wholly professional, but seeing the two men he wanted most in the world together like this was the most arousing thing he could ever have imagined. He wondered if there was a way that he could arrange the skirt to hide what he wanted so badly to do.

Another quick glance at James made G think that the bug might not even have noticed. He was still staring at the video. And he'd said he didn't make the video to watch, G thought indignantly, shifting on the sofa to a slightly more comfortable position and looking back at the video.

The Earl's pants were open now too, and the angle was such that when he wasn't directly pressed up against the Major, the viewer could see... _everything_, in silohuette. G squirmed uncomfortably, his eyes glued to the screen and his hands twisting together in his lap. Many times he'd wondered what it must be like to be in the Major's position, but never so much as now. He bit his lip, doing his best not to whimper in longing.

The other in the room was not quite able to stifle a small sound - faintly, G heard a sniffle. He looked over to James again in surprise, and saw that the flickering light from the television glinted off the trail of a tear down his cheek. He couldn't help looking back at the video, which was far too compelling to look away from for long, but then he found himself looking back at James not long after. He was still sniffling, more than before.

G turned back to the video, stubborn. Well, who _wouldn't_ choose the Major over a stingy garbage bug like James? It was ridiculous to pity someone so pathetic.

The sniffling was hard to ignore, though. And besides, G could relate - who wouldn't choose a tall, charming, effortlessly handsome aristocrat like the Earl over a short, high-strung little transvestite like himself?

Finally, he inched a little closer along the sofa. "You... really do love the Earl, don't you?"

"No!" James snapped, glaring at him. After a moment, he remembered to wipe his eyes on his sleeve, then went back to glaring. "He betrayed me. Oh, of course Lord Gloria's had affairs here and there - but ever since he met that maniac of a Major, he's changed. He used to be so sweet to me, and now... it's all about the Major. Major, Major, Major!" He sniffled again, and again brushed his sleeve over his eyes.

There was nothing to be done for it - G found that he did pity James, to an extent. But if he was reading the man right... He inched a little closer still. "...But it sounds as if... at least you've been with him. Right?"

"Hmph! Never again," James declared, drawing himself up despite the continuing sniffles. "Even if he begged, I couldn't care less about him, except for the ways he can turn a profit."

Like the videotape they were watching, which was beginning to get... kind of loud. Every moan, every gasp, made G shudder. It was a little distracting from his conversation with James, and making him desperate in more than one way. "I-if you can get more of these tapes," he breathed, "then we can negotiate a price."

James' visible eye widened. "You know my services will require adequate compensation," he told G, perching on the arm of the sofa like a monkey and sticking a finger in his face.

"Adequate," G agreed breathlessly. "But no more. You're not a professional." This was probably a very bad idea, trying to make a deal with James. But he did pity the man - and if he wanted more of this footage, and James truly just wanted to turn a profit, they both came out on top. Didn't they?

"No one else offers what I do!" James declared, once again looking smug and slightly manic. "Exclusives like this demand top dollar!"

"Our definition of 'top dollar' may vary, though," G retorted, his voice shaking as he tried to speak rather than moan. The video was getting louder still. It was an effort not to slip his hand under his skirt, even with James inches away.

"Oh, Klaus - I'm going to..." There was a sudden louder, longer moan, somehow still proud and graceful even in such a moment, that could only have been the Earl reaching his climax. G's head whipped back around to watch, entranced.

As the Earl's body slumped a little against the Major's, G saw out of the corner of his eye that James had turned away from him to watch too.

The two of them turned back to each other at the same time, and their eyes met unexpectedly, both full of desperate desire... and only a short distance apart.

This was _James_, G reminded himself, trying to breathe evenly. Thief, cheapskate, swindler...

It was no use. Sympathy, plus the sounds of their unrequited loves together on the television, whispering and sighing - and perhaps in James' case, the thought of someone voluntarily offering to pay him - made it impossible to resist. They both lunged at each other at once.

Some time later, G realized that they'd never paused the video. Amazingly, James conceded and allowed it to be rewound without charging for the extra time. G conceded as well, and agreed to pay a very small fee for the wear and tear of rewinding the tape.

* * *

"...So you see, you can't interfere with this operation," Dorian told the Major, nonchalant.

"Why _wouldn't_ I interfere with it?" Klaus demanded, pounding his fist on the table between them. "Especially now that I know exactly what it is! Even if we... you know," he muttered, lowering his voice despite the fact that they were alone in Dorian's hotel room. "It doesn't mean I'm going to let you go on looting every national treasure you set your sights on, idiot!"

"I didn't say you _wouldn't_," Dorian pointed out, "but that you _can't_." The Major's face began to turn red, obviously realizing what he was getting at, but Dorian knew he was jumping to the wrong conclusions. "You see," he clarified, "although I promised to be discreet with our relationship, I never said anything about the personal matters of the men under your command."

"...What?" Klaus went from furious to baffled. "Who are you referring to?"

"Jamesie's been clearing my men out of our rooms the last several times our organizations have crossed paths," Dorian said with a coy little smile. "For 'conducting business', he said. I was curious about what sort of business he wouldn't even tell me about, so I planted a few of our bugs..." With that, Dorian got up and turned on the television, starting the video at the spot he had chosen for maximum impact.

Klaus stared, wide-eyed. Then he covered his eyes. A few moments later, he peeked through his fingers with a look of utter disbelief.

Dorian watched with amusement. "Yes, that's your darling G 'conducting business' with James. I think I prefer him when he's _not_ wearing a dress, if you take my meaning."

"Don't you _dare_ talk like that about one of my men - even G!" Klaus shouted. "Even... even..." His eyes were drawn to the video again. "..._Damnit._"

"It wouldn't be good for anyone to find out that one of 'your men' was engaging in 'perverse homosexual activity' with a thief now, would it?" Dorian said lightly.

"I _hate_ you."

"I love you too, Major."

Klaus snorted, still staring at the video in horror, and then he squinted. "...What the hell are they watching?"

"It's not important." Dorian flipped it off, and gave the Major his most enticing look. "Shall I... take your mind off it?"

The dull glare that Klaus gave Dorian in response didn't stay dull for long. Good, Dorian thought as he led Klaus over to the bed, mindful of the positioning of the bugs he'd found in the room earlier. He'd left them alone, and would edit out their conversation later; he'd been appalled when he first discovered what James had done, but he did sympathize with poor, sweet little G, and Jamesie was happier and more likely to agree to Dorian's financial requests when he was getting a little extra income... and other things... on the side.


End file.
